It is six months today since I reached the nadir of my episode of serious depression around the turn of the year. On January 17th I pulled out of work to seek to get myself better.
In the mercies of the Lord, I have been restored to reasonable mental and emotional health. Through medication, prayer to the Lord, encouragement from others, wifely and family support and and some good rest and renewal, I have been brought back, in the Lord’s mercies, to a place where I feel I am functioning reasonably. I am still taking mediation, although am very gradually reducing the dose. Although I am persuaded that I will have to have this for the rest of my life.
I have had some fluctuations along the way. One period in particular in early June when May Lin was away in Malaysia, was hard with some reverberations of what I had been through.
I have been back working normally since early May. I have set myself to have some three week long sabbaticals and am in the midst of one of those at the moment.
I am a scarred man. But I trust I am a better man through what I have been through. When I hear of others going through the afflictions of depression or being overwhelmed with life my heart breaks and I long to pray. In many ways I want to be of help to others, but I feel so very weak. Nevertheless you feel I could be of some help to you, on account of what I have been through, please contact me.
I know not what the future holds, but I know my Father holds the future and that His everlasting arms are always underneath and are always strong enough to hold me now and forever.
If you are one of those who has prayed for me and encouraged me, then thanks. and by the way I still need those prayers and encouragements.
I write this pondering upon how I am immeasurably recovered from where I was five months ago. My mental and emotional state now is incomparable to how I was when in the depths of weakness and despair through depression. If you want to follow the issue of my depression please follow the “Depression (Again)” posts which start here
I write this wanting to thank all who have prayed to the Lord for me. I am grateful for all who have shown an interest in me. I am grateful for all who have encouraged me. But I am left, above all, pondering upon the issue of the power and impact of prayer to the Lord by different ones for me.
Paul says to Philemon about how, through prayer, he expected something to happen. He writes: At the same time, prepare a guest room for me, for I am hoping that through your prayers I will be graciously given to you (Phile. 22).
I am left wondering about how much of my recovery is down to the fact that people, including possibly yourself, have prayed for me. God really does work through prayer.
I am reminded of what I wrote here from Jackie Hill Perry about how she believed her coming to Christ was bound up with prayer.
Which all leaves me pondering upon how much of Philippians 4:6-7 is being seen in my life. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Oh may you and me be encouraged to be praying for people and situations and believing God really does work through prayer.
My withdrawal from work and church life consequent upon my depression was a quite a heart-wrenching experience. Through the night on January 16th/17th everything changed. Through disturbed sleep, I gradually moved from a position of contemplating how I was going to arrange myself so as to get through what was ahead, to a position where I had concluded that I had to pull out of everything.
At the heart of myself reaching this conclusion was the awareness that I was only digging myself increasingly into a hole. I had gone on since December 19th thinking that I would right myself and be stabilized mentally and emotionally so as to be able to move forward. Reluctantly I had to conclude by January 17th that I was only going further down and there was no stabilizing and rising up. If carried on I reckoned, I would only drive myself further down.
I believe in retrospect this was the sensible thing to do and was important as regards to me re-establishing myself.
Moreover, I want to assert, that there is a general principle of life here which we need to be willing to apply. There are times when we have to admit that to continue in a certain course is only going to have harmful consequences. In such a situation we have to admit defeat and pull back. To do otherwise is to prejudice the welfare of ourselves and possibly many others. I believe if I had not pulled out it would have been detrimental to the welfare of my family and church.
To admit that the pursuit of a certain course is harmful is not easy, but it is wise. However, there must be discernment between copping out and pulling out. The former is a character fault because it indicates that we will not stick with something when we should. The latter is a character asset because it means we do not continue with something when we should not. To discern between the two is very often not easy, but it is essential that we are aware that the two are necessary to healthy living.
From Wikipedia we get “nouthetic counselling” defined as a form of Evangelical Protestant pastoral counselling based solely upon the Bible and focused on Christ. It repudiates mainstream psychology and psychiatry as humanistic, fundamentally opposed to Christianity, and radically secular. Jay Adams who has been a key figure in driving forward this approach to counselling defines it as biblical counseling characterized by confrontation, concern, and change in the life of a Christian.
I would be a firm advocate of this approach to helping people move forward through the problems of life. To feel that we can move forward and live healthily and profitably without the informed wisdom of the Lord’s Word is a fundamentally flawed approach. The Word of God keeps us on the right track through all the pains and upheavals of life.
However, the problem with nouthetic counselling is when it overreaches itself. When it is concluded that all problems of the mind and emotions can simply be resolved by hearing the Word, believing it and responding to it in obedient faith, then there is a problem. Let me be clear we must hear, believe and respond to the Word with believing faith. However, it is dangerous to conclude that medication can be of no help in the mental and emotional realm. I have written here about my journey in taking antidepressants. My experience and the experience of many others is that the chemical input supplied by the medication provides the means of stabilising me mentally and emotionally so that I function.”normally”.
It is the medication that has been critical in bringing me through and out of the pit of depression. However, I am also aware that I need the ongoing application of scripture into my life to live godly in Christ Jesus through and out of depression and in all things.
One of my overall appreciations of my time of depression has been the awareness that the Lord has been in the situation. I want to relate one particular awareness of that.
One morning I met a dear friend who, I felt did not appreciate my situation, was not listening to me and had an agenda for me. It was quite distressing given I was very much in the midst of feeling messed up and broken. Later that morning, though, I was in the house of another friend and upon leaving happened to go to the toilet. On the wall of the toilet was the scripture:
For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you,’ declares the Lord, ‘and will bring you back from captivity. I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you,’ declares the Lord, ‘and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile.’ (Jer 29:11-14)
I don’t remember fully how much of the scripture was quoted, but it was the opening part which gave me such encouragement. Others may have plans for me, but the Lord has His plans. Even in my distress, pain and perplexity He was there that day (and I am encouraged is continually with me).
This Scripture was on the wall of a church I attended in Scotland a few weeks later. Again much encouragement came to me through this because it was at a time when I was experiencing further pain.
Similarly, this video was sent through to my wife and on the evening of January 23rd I saw it. Simply, I felt it was powerfully meaningful. The words “You raise me up” I took as a promise from my Father in heaven. My life was flickering at that time, but He would raise me up was such an encouragement.
In all this I felt the tender grace of my Father leading me and guiding me through this time. I may feel I am falling apart, but He is there.
One of the difficulties in handling depression is the tendency to think that, as a Christian, you should not feel this way. We so easily imbibe the thinking that when you become a Christian all of your problems are now sorted; Jesus is alive from the dead, smile and be happy. Now there are elements of truth in that presentation of Christianity, but if that is our only perspective on our faith that in Jesus, then we will be very dismayed when troubles hit us in our mental and emotional state.
Essentially then, I would have no sympathy with the simplistic, Jesus is risen; all your problems are over, perspective on the Christian faith. This is because it is evidently unbiblical. However, I still struggle with feeling the wrongness of being mentally and emotionally frail.
I have mentioned previously here about how Satan exploits the frailties of the mind to his own malicious ends to accuse and spiritually incapacitate the Christian suffering with mental afflictions. The derailed thinking goes something like this. “I’m a Christian, but if I was a strong christian I would not feel like this and other people will think I am a pathetic weakling because I can’t keep it together when I get stressed”.
One of the best antidotes to this attack is consider examples of those who have been evidently used of the Lord, but have suffered much in the mental and emotional realm. We find them:-
- in Scripture: Elijah in 1 Kings 19 is evidently cast down even depressed. David know what it was to be cast down in spirit. Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? (Ps. 42:5a) is his lament.
- in history. It is good to read Christian biographies and know of the likes of Cowper and Spurgeon who suffered in this realm.
- in experience. It is such an encouragement to know of other believers who have suffered much with depression. I met a godly lady last month who would be in her eighties who had suffered much through depression for many years. This was such an encouragement to know that someone with such evident commitment to the Lord could suffer so much.
Through this I am encouraged that I am not alone.
The righteous person may have many troubles (Ps. 34:19a) is the observation of David and leads us to ponder upon the afflictions that specifically attach themselves to those who believe in Christ unto righteousness. Someone mentioned to me how Christians suffer particularly in the mental and emotional realm because of the workings of the devil in this arena.
Satan is very clever in using the vulnerabilities of our minds to his nefarious ends. Certainly there have been times during my recent depression episode when I have felt the reality of being bombarded by all kinds of derailed and pernicious thoughts and attitudes. Notwithstanding the vagaries of my mental state that has led to this, I am persuaded that demonic forces love to exploit these weaknesses so as to assail us and bring us down. I have felt that.
Therefore, i need to be aware that there are some very real spiritual matters happening. And I need to take heed to Scriptures which can garrison me from attack and collapse through demonic activity:
- submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you (james 4:7)
- take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. (Eph. 6:14b)
- we demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ (2 Cor 10:5)
would be some of those scriptures.
Finally let us rejoice that
- we have a Saviour who prays in John 17:15 My prayer is not that you take them out of the world but that you protect them from the evil one. Our beloved Lord Jesus is praying for us in all our mental and emotional vulnerabilities
- that Psalm 34:19 goes on to say but the Lord delivers him from them all.