It is a year today since I reached the lowest point of my episode of serious depression around the turn of the year. On January 17th I pulled out of work to seek to get myself better.
It is sobering to look back over this year. In it I see how there has been so much to learn. To be reminded of our weakness is never a bad thing. It teaches us of our need to rely on our God and also upon others. This passage from 2 Corinthians 12:7-10 has been ever so precious to me:
So to keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited. Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
I trust I have learnt to eschew the peril of self-dependence which afflicts so many of us, particularly in the West. To have tasted that his grace is sufficient is a beautiful thing. I trust I will always be experiencing that reality.
I do now feel so much better in terms of my mental and emotional health. I thank my Father for this. I trust I am a more caring and sympathetic person on account of what I have experienced.
I remember the pain though and do not want to go there again. But I have learnt so much through the experience.
Now feeling so much better there is that tendency to think that I might be able to get off my medication. To be anti-depressant free is, in a sense, the holy grail of the depression sufferer. Wisdom convinces me that it’s only in a better land with the Lord when that will be the case. There there will be no more pain and suffering. There will be no more depression when we are with the Lord. In the meantime I walk with a limp.
I do not know what the future holds, but I do know the One who holds the future. So by faith we seek to go forward.